Hello everyone, I will go first with no disrespect intended to any ladies who fit the description. Any similarity to individuals living or deceased is entirely coincidental.


A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

quote:

Originally listed by Mr. Crabby:
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Mr. Crabby, that's a good one. Thanks for the belly laugh. Here is one I hope you enjoy just as much.

Two musicians in a major symphonic orchestra were discussing who they thought the least talented musician in the orchestra was. One of them said, "That’s easy. See that guy standing in the back? Well, we just put two sticks in his hands and we call him a drummer." The other musician replied, "Well, if we take one stick away, we call him a conductor!"

An elderly man stopped me in the store today to share the following jokes:
Why are blonde jokes so short?

- So that men can remember them

Why do some blondes have bruises around their belly buttons?

- Because there are also blonde men


This blonde thanks you for giving her a good laugh for the day

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

Goldfish Burial

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I’ve just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That’s because he’s still inside your cat!"

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

I hope everyone like this joke:

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''

quote:

Originally listed by kim2therescue:
there was a bear, a lion and a pig.
-the bear said: that when he growls the whole forest gets frightened
-the lion said: that when he growls the whole jungle gets frightened
-the pig said: so what, all i have to do is sneeze and the whole world goes into a panic!

Aye Kim how true LOL!! Here is a joke I hope you like, also about animals.

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead." The vet put the dog on the table, then reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks. "Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

quote:

Originally listed by Dad O Three:
A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?  My TV at home is broken, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies,  "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar.  But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave"

The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game.  Pretty soon the Browns kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.

The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool!  What does he do for a touchdown?"

The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 2 years."

Dad O' Three, thanks for the laugh about a pretty sad situation. That's quite the cat. Here's a joke about dogs that I hope ya will enjoy.

3 Handsome Dogs & 1 Poodle

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?  My TV at home is broken, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies,  "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar.  But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave"

The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game.  Pretty soon the Browns kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.

The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool!  What does he do for a touchdown?"

The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 2 years."

there was a bear, a lion and a pig.
-the bear said: that when he growls the whole forest gets frightened
-the lion said: that when he growls the whole jungle gets frightened
-the pig said: so what, all i have to do is sneeze and the whole world goes into a panic!

quote:

Originally listed by Bob White:
The man called his doctor on his cellphone from a downtown restaurant dining room. "Doctor Jones, I've just swallowed a bone." The doctor asked, "Are you choking?" "No, I really did."

LOL!! Thanks for posting that. Here is one I hope you like:

Sister Mary and the Bet

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hallway to the chapel and I
heard some of the older boys wagering money. BETTING!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so upset, father" replied the nun, "It was WHAT they were wagering ON! They were wagering on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the hallway wall!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?" She replied, "Well, I HIT the CEILING!" "Really, how much did you win?"

The man called his doctor on his cellphone from a downtown restaurant dining room. "Doctor Jones, I've just swallowed a bone." The doctor asked, "Are you choking?" "No, I really did."

I hope you like this one.

The Top 10 indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin"

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. Your monitor is up on blocks.

quote:

Originally listed by kim2therescue:
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poker face.

Aye Kim, I'll have to Google Lady Gaga. LOL!

Here is one my Jewish friends like and I hope you like it too.

Stranded on an Island

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very
bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island
appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our
lives."

Minutes later the plane lands barely but safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" "No Morris!" she responded.

Morris smiles then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"

Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.
Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?" Morris responds, "They'll find us!!!"

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
One of my old time favorite jokes!

Baptizing a Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk
into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The
preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find
Jesus?'
The drunk answers, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again ---- but this time holds him do wn for about 30
seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him
up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have
you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

Aye West Side Girl that's a good laugh. Thank you. Here is a joke I hope everybody likes.

Kids at the Clinic

Billy and Mary were friends and sitting in the clinic's waiting room together, their parents talking nearby. Mary happened to be crying.

"Why are you crying?" Billy asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Mary.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Billy heard this, he immediately started crying.

Astonished, Mary stopped her tears and asked Billy, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Billy replied, "I came for a urine test."

One of my old time favorite jokes!

Baptizing a Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk
into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The
preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find
Jesus?'
The drunk answers, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again ---- but this time holds him do wn for about 30
seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him
up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have
you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poker face.

LOL - good one!

quote:

Originally listed by kim2therescue:
For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Aye Kim, that's a good one and if true it's got me scratching my head. Just you and me, eh? Here is one I hope you like.

The Hole in the Woods

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.

He turned to the other guy and said "That must be a deep hole... let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a railroad tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said "Nah, that can't be my goat... My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the injured man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

Aye everyone this is courtesy of Mr. Crabby, I hope he won't mind. He posted it in the Braylon Edwards thread. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

""I heard on the radio that he already received an endorsement deal. Times Square has hired him for New Year's Eve. He's going to drop the ball. ""


Thanks Mr. Crabby.

quote:

Originally listed by kim2therescue:
Two peanuts were walking down the street.

One was a salted.

Aye Kim, thanks for the laugh. I think you might like this one.

Neutron Walks Into a Bar

A neutron walks into the local bar. "I'd like a beer" the neutron says. So the bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two peanuts were walking down the street.

One was a salted.

After Mrs. Grey's conviction for murdering her husband, the district attorney asked, “Mrs. Grey, after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” asked the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!” she replied.

quote:

Originally listed by Terry B.:
Okay, I heard this one from the little girl next door. What do you call a 100 year old ant? An antique!

Aye that's a sweet little joke ya can tell the grandchildren. Here is one I hope everyone likes from Henny Youngman who is one of my favorites.

"A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

nothing beats a joke told by a child..

Okay, I heard this one from the little girl next door. What do you call a 100 year old ant? An antique!

Hello everybody, here is a lightbulb joke I hope you like.

How many online forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven. One to change the light bulb and ten to post about how the light bulb was changed.

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE!

Aye, I like mine on tap and stout but that's a good laugh. Thank you West Side Girl. Here is one I hope you enjoy.

Reaching the Doorbell

A Lakewood priest is walking down the street one day when he sees a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. The boy is very short and the doorbell is much too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for a bit, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder he leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Then crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE!

quote:

Originally listed by hippiedad:
A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender looked at it and said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

Thank you for the laugh!

Cold Water Cleaning

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up, the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV the old man called out, "Coldwater, go lay down."

Two Men and Two Fish

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one fish was larger than the other.

One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other man said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.

After a tense silence, the first one said, "Really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for. You have it, don't you?"

Aye, West Side Girl, I have to read yours. I have a short riddle that I hope everybody likes:


A RIDDLE

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? You have to scroll down in this post for the riddle's answer!



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The answer is: "A Last Name."

FW: That's when the fight started....



One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot As a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


*************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

**************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend..'

And that's when the fight started....


**************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

Would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started......

*************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

Order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....


**************************************************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
==================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her , 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many Years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started....

==================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly

the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed

and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...




THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of

First, the truck, the car, playing golf '

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When

I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

Busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the

House. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed

Her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,

You might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors said I might walk again, but I will always have a limp

Baby Planes....

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago ... The little boy (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

quote:

Originally listed by jaylak:
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "Okay, I'll let you in, but don't start anything."

Aye Jaylak, thank you for the laugh. Here is one I hope you enjoy:

Knock Knock

The new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

quote:

Originally listed by jaylak:
Two antennas fell in love on a roof and got married. The ceremony wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.

Aye Jaylak, I joyed your jokes mate. LOL!! I'll have to see if I can find something funny to keep up with you.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "Okay, I'll let you in, but don't start anything."

Two antennas fell in love on a roof and got married. The ceremony wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.

Aye Everyone, this is a short ditty a little bit funny and wise. I hope you enjoy it: "Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car, and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

Cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up.

Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know, so I told him........


Those are my emergency flashers!

Aye West Side Girl, I might blush. That's a clever one. Here is one I hope everyone likes:

Our Daily Chicken

The representative from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church."

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "We are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'"

Again, the Pope replies, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Tyson rep says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has some good news and bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion."

"The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread Account."

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car, and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

Cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up.

Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know, so I told him........


Those are my emergency flashers!

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay,that Ernie, a 'colorful' student was left.
"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Jenny. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife."

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!", said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Jenny when she's been drinking."

Aye, West Side Girl you caught me with that one. LOL! Here is one I hope you like on election day:

Three people were arguing about what profession was used first in the bible.

The Surgeon says, "The Medical profession was used first when God took a rib from Adam and made Eve.

The Engineer says, "No, engineering was used first. Just think of the engineering job it took to create the world out of chaos.

The Politician says, "You would have nothing if we didn't create chaos in the beginning."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay,that Ernie, a 'colorful' student was left.
"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Jenny. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife."

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!", said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Jenny when she's been drinking."

A Preacher Golfing

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. The urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not attend church. Then he drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

All the time, an angel up above was watching the preacher and was very perturbed. The angel went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he's doing." God nodded in agreement.

Then the preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air. It landed right in the cup 350 yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The preacher was amazed and super excited. But the angel was shocked, and turned to God and said, "Begging your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled and said, "I did. Who can he tell?"

Here is a joke I hope everyone likes. If you have a joke I hope you will post too. I try to post every day but cannot always.

Separated at Birth

A woman gives birth to twins but has to give them up for adoption. One of the babies goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, after successfully locating his birth mother, Juan mails a picture of himself to his now-married mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal."

Question: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: "Why don't you just let us take out the socket? You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later."