quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
This is the one I always tell my kids at the beginning of the school year....What do you call a nerd ten years after high school?......Boss!

Aye West Side Girlie, I've had a few bosses like that LOL! Here is something I hope you enjoy if you drink coffee:

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

You lick your coffee pot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

This is the one I always tell my kids at the beginning of the school year....What do you call a nerd ten years after high school?......Boss!

Aye West Side Girl, that is a nice one. I hope you are not a blonde and if you are I apologize for this little joke that I hope you will like:

Question: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Answer: You pull the pin and throw it back.

A friend's grandmother died and this was a story I heard about her at the wake...what a lovely life when people can tell stories about you and laugh at your wake.

The family had lived for years on a farm, and they had an assortment of farm animals. When she was 70, Marty decided to move to a new farm house about 15 miles away and moved all the animals, except for the 30 barn cats. This was an almost unsolvable problem because the cats weren't really tame and you could only pick up a few of them. Marty solved the problem, she opened the trunk of her big buick and set the food pans in the trunk, and poured the cat food in, the cats all hopped into the trunk and she shut the trunk. Off she went to the new house with 30 barn cats in the trunk of her car, she could hear a wild riot going on in the trunk, the cats were trying to get out, they were clawing at the rear seat and howling. She realized they were really angry and she knew she had a terrible problem, how do you get 30 really angry cats out of a car trunk? Being a very clever woman she worked this out, she laid on the ground under the car, reached up and unlocked the trunk and ducked as the thirty cats shot out into their new mouse infested barn.

Rest in peace Marty...

How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?

I found another Henny Youngman joke that I hope you will enjoy:

My family doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

quote:

Originally listed by Terry B.:
The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat a little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Aye, siblings. That's a cute one. Here's one I hope ya like:

The Redneck Story

So a fella turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?

"The guy says, "Mister, I'm six feet tall, 210 pounds, and ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? That's Mike and he's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"

The fella says, "Naw, you're right. I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
ONLY THOSE OF US FROM NORTHERN OHIO WOULD APPRECIATE THIS ONE ENJOY!


A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Lake Erie. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, 'Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day!' Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, 'and I'll make you happy, and you can make ME happy.'
The girl nodded yes through her tears.
After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food.
From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.
'What are you doing here?' the Captain demanded angrily.
'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile, (she says smiling coyly) he's been taking advantage of me.' (wink)
'He sure is, lady,' the Captain said. 'This is the Put-In-Bay ferry!'

Aye West Side Girl, that sailor should walk the plank! Here is one I hope you like:

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will.”

With conviction the husband said, "So you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent upon some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug!"

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

ONLY THOSE OF US FROM NORTHERN OHIO WOULD APPRECIATE THIS ONE ENJOY!


A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Lake Erie. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, 'Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day!' Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, 'and I'll make you happy, and you can make ME happy.'
The girl nodded yes through her tears.
After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food.
From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.
'What are you doing here?' the Captain demanded angrily.
'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile, (she says smiling coyly) he's been taking advantage of me.' (wink)
'He sure is, lady,' the Captain said. 'This is the Put-In-Bay ferry!'

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat a little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. A child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "What is the matter?" He responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

High Blood Pressure

When the doctor remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, the patient said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's side?" the doctor asked.

"Neither, Doc. It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," the doctor implored. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

The patient sighed then said, "You oughta meet 'em sometime!"

The enthusiastic and optimistic duck hunter was looking to buy a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to his friend who was an eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long. Each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water and retrieved it.

His friend the pessimist observed the dog's every move, but didn't say a single word. On their drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" To which his friend replied: "I sure did. Your bird dog can't swim."

quote:

Originally listed by Charles:
Here's one that seems appropriate for Lakewood Buzz.


The Bee and the Lever

Long, long ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Each day the worker bees would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

But the bees had a problem, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Eventually the bees grew tired of it.

The intelligent social, team-player insects they are, the bees got together and built an alarm system for their hive. They built it in such a way that when one bee would pull a lever, it would trigger an alarm that all of the bees could hear from out in the fields.

If the worker bees heard the alarm, they could swarm back to protect their home. There was one bee who was given the job of setting off the alarm, and she was aptly named the "Lever Bee." Her job was to be alert for signs of danger and pull the lever to sound the alarm if intruders posed a threat. The security of the entire bee hive depended upon this one Lever Bee. So she had to be constantly ready and on the alert to be able to do the job. And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

Aye Charles, that's a clever little pun. Here is one I hope you like:

The World's Smartest Man

A pilot, LeBron James, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot ran back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed LeBron James. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." He then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak to the Pizza delivery boy. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to do that, replied the pizza delivery guy. Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack!"

Here's one that seems appropriate for Lakewood Buzz.


The Bee and the Lever

Long, long ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Each day the worker bees would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

But the bees had a problem, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Eventually the bees grew tired of it.

The intelligent social, team-player insects they are, the bees got together and built an alarm system for their hive. They built it in such a way that when one bee would pull a lever, it would trigger an alarm that all of the bees could hear from out in the fields.

If the worker bees heard the alarm, they could swarm back to protect their home. There was one bee who was given the job of setting off the alarm, and she was aptly named the "Lever Bee." Her job was to be alert for signs of danger and pull the lever to sound the alarm if intruders posed a threat. The security of the entire bee hive depended upon this one Lever Bee. So she had to be constantly ready and on the alert to be able to do the job. And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

Here's one I hope you like, a "true story":

British and Irish Collide

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, from 1998. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

I have a riddle I hope everybody likes: What is the only animal that we eat after it is dead and also before it is born? The chicken.

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Aye West side girl, now I liked that, thank you. Here is one I hope you like:

The College Graduate

The young man reported for his first day of work at the supermarket. The store manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the store manager. "Here, give me the broom and I'll show you how."

quote:

quote:

Do you want to hear my construction joke?
I'll tell you later. I'm still working on it."

Originally posted by Lakewood resident:
Yes! I would like to hear it.

Aye, that WAS my construction joke. I don't write 'em y'know, I only pass 'em on, mate. Here is one that I hope you like more:

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road, when he sees a farmer standing in the middle of a large field of alfalfa. He pulls his car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing absolutely nothing. The salesman gets out of his car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their fields."

"Aye, ya surprised me there, thank goodness.

Do you want to hear my construction joke?
I'll tell you later. I'm still working on it."


Yes! I would like to hear it.

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Here's one that you blondes I hope enjoy as I did myself:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

quote:

Originally listed by Lakewood resident:
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
The park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Aye, ya surprised me there, thank goodness.

Do you want to hear my construction joke?
I'll tell you later. I'm still working on it.

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
The park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Aye West Side Girl those are good ones and one true at that! Thank you for the chuckles. Here's one I hope you like. Maybe some part of it is true like yours:

Zoo Trip with Dad

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days on end. Finally his dear mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" the boy's mother asked when the two returned home after a long day.

"It was great, mom," Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" she asked.

"Yes!" responded the little boy.

"And did you see any animals?" she asked.

"Yep, daddy especially liked them," exclaimed little Johnny excitedly. Especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

I wasn't sure if I posted this joke before so I read through the posts and discovered something funny, someone posted a joke about hillbillies doing the Hind lick maneuver, I copied it and sent it to one of my girlfriends who loves this type of jokes, she waited a while and sent it on to her circle of joke friends and I got my own joke back, which I then posted...

Here is another one from her about negative people

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who screwed up your hair?"


And along this line here is a true story, while I was in Venice I got my long hair cut into a short style, very cute, when I got back my girlfriends and I were having lunch in the employee lounge at Macy's and they were teasing me about my $1000. haircut, ($10 for the haircut, $990 for the trip) they said I should just keep going back to have the same guy cut my hair, we got up to leave and I walked over the the fridge and a new girl came up to me and said "that's a cute cut but it wasn't worth a $1000."

quote:

Originally listed by Mr. Crabby:
With credit to the writers for Jimmy Fallon:

● President Obama’s teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered during a speech about the economy yesterday. Even speeches about the economy are crashing. That’s bad.

Aye Mr Crabby, that's a clever pun I think. Here is one I hope you like:

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the normal, usual amount. So she confronted her supervisor about it.

Her supervisor listened to her complaint and then asked her “Why didn’t you say anything when you were OVER paid last week?”

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!”

With credit to the writers for Jimmy Fallon:

● President Obama’s teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered during a speech about the economy yesterday. Even speeches about the economy are crashing. That’s bad.

quote:

Originally listed by Terry B.:
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Aye Terry, that sounds like me lawyer!

Here is another Henny Youngman joke I like. I hope everybody enjoys it:

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

This joke is older than I am but maybe someone is yet to hear it. I hope everyone enjoys it: Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

Aye Mr Crabby, I think I'll reserve my bawdy comment on your joke since my bride is seated near me. Here is a bit 'o something I hope you like:

You’re drinking too much coffee when:

You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy'.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ..'

A woman awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do."

He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.

The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $330." the vet replied.

"I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330????"

"Well", the vet replied, "It's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

A businessman from the city was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The businessman watched this for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground." The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

Here is another one from Henny Youngman:

"My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator."

Here's one I hope you experienced fathers and expecting fathers enjoy:

There were three fathers-to-be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I'm the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets!” He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes and asks, “Where's the third father?" One of the other fathers calmly said, "He jumped out that window.” The nurse asked "Why?" He replied, "He works for 7-Eleven."

The Singing Fish

Jimmy: ‘Hey, Mike! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.’

Mike: ‘To tell the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.’

Jimmy: ‘What? Let me get this straight… You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?’

Mike: ‘Well, yeah. After all, you know, he’s a parrot fish.’

Jimmy: ‘Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.’

Mike: ‘That’s what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he’s terribly off-key and it’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?’

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?....'ell-iph-i-no

Aye Westside, that's a short n sweet one you can tell the kiddies. Kinda like this one I hope you like: How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel
manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly
at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel
manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting
about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole
line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to
show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the
place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of
the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both
watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says,
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to
give Elmo two test tickles."

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?....'ell-iph-i-no

Here is one I hope everybody enjoys:

The Glass of Water

One night a father sent his son upstairs to bed. Five minutes later, the boy called out, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!?!"

"No. You had your chance earlier. Now be quiet and go to sleep," said the dad.

A minute later the restless boy screamed, "Dad!! Can you PLEASE get me a glass of water?!?!"

"No. You had your chance. If you ask again, I'll come up there and spank you," he admonished.

There was silence for a couple minutes and then the boy yelled, "Dad, when you come up to
spank me can you bring me a glass of water????"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the her name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." She looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, she explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink pig. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

this a story rather then a joke...but it is true and worth a chuckle...I was in California and went to a cocktail party and a woman was telling this story about her bad three year old, Ben. Everyone knew Ben at said this was true. Mummy decided to take a shower, Ben was happily playing in his room, when Mummy got out of the shower Ben was gone, Mummy searched the house for him and went outside but couldn't find him. Daddy and the police were summoned, all the neighbors joined in the search, the house was searched again. The police, including a helicopter and search dogs arrived and blocked off the entire neighborhood, an hour and a half had elapsed. The police insisted that they needed to search the house and both parents insisted that they had searched the house at least 3 times...but the police persisted, and started in on a top to bottom search of the house, closets were checked, cushions pulled off the sofa...finally they got to Ben's room....where they discovered Ben asleep in his bed...He had decided to play hide and seek with Mummy, crawled into bed and pulled the down duvet over himself...and gone to sleep...imagine Mummy's embarrassment...then imagine that the same thing happened the next day...Ben once again vanished...this time Mummy called the police and asked them where to look...and discovered him the second place they recommended she look. Ben is not allowed to play hide and seek any more.

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this was
strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day,
the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with
his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."

"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"

The Klotschtein Curse

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him in first class, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He couldn't resist asking her about it.

"This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What is the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klotschtein."

Here is one I hope everybody likes:

Kindergarten Cowboy Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? It was an unusually cold day in northern Texas, and the boy asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" The little guy said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

The Oldest Profession

A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professional fields they represented.

The doctor said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

Here's a little one I hope everyone enjoys:

Child Psychology

The eager new teacher thought he would use what he learned in his psychology courses. He said to his class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."

After a few seconds, one boy stood.

"Do you think you're stupid?" the teacher asked.

"No sir, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."

quote:

Originally listed by boomboom:
With apologies to any Blondes out there:

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette
she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay,"
said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car
repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car
back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About
one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "So...did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Aye, another blonde joke. Thanks BB. Here's one I hope you enjoy:

The Power Memory Class

An elderly couple had been experiencing worsening memories, so they decided to take a Power Memory Class, a class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after successfully completing the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class had helped him.

"What was the name of the instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh gee now, ummmmmm, let me see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower? You know, the one that smells really nice but it has those prickly thorns? What's that flower's name?"

"Do you mean a rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it!" replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey Rose, what's the name of the instructor who taught our Power Memory Class?"