A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the her name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." She looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, she explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink pig. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

this a story rather then a joke...but it is true and worth a chuckle...I was in California and went to a cocktail party and a woman was telling this story about her bad three year old, Ben. Everyone knew Ben at said this was true. Mummy decided to take a shower, Ben was happily playing in his room, when Mummy got out of the shower Ben was gone, Mummy searched the house for him and went outside but couldn't find him. Daddy and the police were summoned, all the neighbors joined in the search, the house was searched again. The police, including a helicopter and search dogs arrived and blocked off the entire neighborhood, an hour and a half had elapsed. The police insisted that they needed to search the house and both parents insisted that they had searched the house at least 3 times...but the police persisted, and started in on a top to bottom search of the house, closets were checked, cushions pulled off the sofa...finally they got to Ben's room....where they discovered Ben asleep in his bed...He had decided to play hide and seek with Mummy, crawled into bed and pulled the down duvet over himself...and gone to sleep...imagine Mummy's embarrassment...then imagine that the same thing happened the next day...Ben once again vanished...this time Mummy called the police and asked them where to look...and discovered him the second place they recommended she look. Ben is not allowed to play hide and seek any more.

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this was
strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day,
the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with
his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."

"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"

The Klotschtein Curse

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him in first class, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He couldn't resist asking her about it.

"This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What is the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klotschtein."

Here is one I hope everybody likes:

Kindergarten Cowboy Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? It was an unusually cold day in northern Texas, and the boy asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" The little guy said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

The Oldest Profession

A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professional fields they represented.

The doctor said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

Here's a little one I hope everyone enjoys:

Child Psychology

The eager new teacher thought he would use what he learned in his psychology courses. He said to his class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."

After a few seconds, one boy stood.

"Do you think you're stupid?" the teacher asked.

"No sir, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."

quote:

Originally listed by boomboom:
With apologies to any Blondes out there:

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette
she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay,"
said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car
repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car
back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About
one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "So...did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Aye, another blonde joke. Thanks BB. Here's one I hope you enjoy:

The Power Memory Class

An elderly couple had been experiencing worsening memories, so they decided to take a Power Memory Class, a class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after successfully completing the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class had helped him.

"What was the name of the instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh gee now, ummmmmm, let me see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower? You know, the one that smells really nice but it has those prickly thorns? What's that flower's name?"

"Do you mean a rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it!" replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey Rose, what's the name of the instructor who taught our Power Memory Class?"

With apologies to any Blondes out there:

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette
she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay,"
said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car
repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car
back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About
one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "So...did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

Oh my WSG, you're makin' me blush. Here is one I hope you like:

Shy Patient's Visit to the Dentist

The nervous guy walked into the dentist office and said to the receptionist, “Hi, i came in to make my appointment with the dentist”

She replied, “I'm sorry sir, but the dentist is out right now.”

He said, “Thanks a lot. When will he be out again?”

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

Aye BB, that one kinda made me squirm you know where. But thanks for the clever North Carolina joke -- I got a "kick" out of it. Here is one more tame but I hope you like it:

Breaking the Ice on a First Date

Tommy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

His dad replies: "Tommy, there are three subjects that always work. They are Food, Family and Philosophy."

Tommy picks up his date and they go for an ice cream float.

Ice cream floats with straws in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, and Tommy's nervousness builds. He remembers his dad's advice and goes with the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more awkward minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. Tommy asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

Tommy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird,
but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked
him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this
with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide
by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick
nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his
belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to
his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can
have the duck."

Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday
afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait
for the two women who are ahead of them at the
next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes,
but soon get irritated at the amount of time
the women are taking to play the hole.


One of the men decides that enough is enough.
He tells his friend, "I'm going to go up there
and tell those two to hurry up!"


He starts walking towards the women but after
getting halfway there, he returns to his friend.
"What's wrong?" his friend asks.


"I can't go over there. One of those women
is my wife and the other is my mistress."


His friend tells him, "That's okay, I'll go
talk to them."


He too starts walking towards the women but
after getting halfway there, he too returns to
his friend. He tells his friend,


"Small world"

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question: "Yale," she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and he shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

quote:

Originally listed by boomboom:
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks
in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla
Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be
over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are
you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
crotch and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for
me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks
the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Aye Boomboom, now that's a clever one. I hope you like this one tho my wife warns me 'tis a bit of a groaner:

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks
in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla
Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be
over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are
you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
crotch and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for
me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks
the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

quote:

Originally listed by boomboom:
A man goes into a doctor's office and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!"

The doctor says, "Well, I can't help you, I'm only a GP.
You need the psychiatrist next door. Why on earth did you come to me?"

And the man says, "Your light was on."

Aye boomboom, thank you, I enjoyed that one. Here is another Henny Youngman I hope you enjoy:

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. The lawyer says, "Don't sit down."

A man goes into a doctor's office and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!"

The doctor says, "Well, I can't help you, I'm only a GP.
You need the psychiatrist next door. Why on earth did you come to me?"

And the man says, "Your light was on."

Here is one I hope everyone likes:

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Here's one one ya can tell to the kiddies:

Why did Doctor Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

quote:

Originally listed by Mr Suge:
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops by a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"


The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends.

Anybody have more Henny Youngman to share ???

Aye, here's another HY for ya: "My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2008

Early this year, some Boeing employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Five of 2008

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.


Idiot Number Six of 2008

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a Breeze block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the block and heaved it over his head at the window. The block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Idiot Number Seven of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ). We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many Deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...!!!

Here's one WSG can appreciate:

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it
was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human. It was physically impossible.

The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied "Then you ask him".

Aye Westside Girl, thanks for the chuckle. Here is one I hope you like:

Confucious say "Man who eats photo of his father, soon spitting-image of father."

I have another Henny Youngman joke. I hope everyone enjoys it.

Two guys are in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day..

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. 'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: 'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

Wrong Email Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for the weekend. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had job commitments, they decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday and his wife would follow the next day.

On arriving, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address. Thus, the e-mail got sent to a total stranger without him realizing.

Meanwhile in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral, to whom the e-mail had gone. The dearly departed was a minister of many years, who had passed away following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail expecting condolences from relatives and friends.

Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read.....



From: Harry To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you will be surprised to hear from me. They have computers down here now, and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Confucius say " Man who go to bed and dream he bowl 300 game, wake up with one standing"

Here is another. Confucius says: "Man who sleeps on road will wake up feeling run down."

Here is a 'wise' joke I hope everyone likes:

Confucius Says: "Man who leaps off cliff jumps to his conclusion.

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
It is teacher retirement time and this is one told by one of our retiring teachers,

Mr. Smith retired after teaching 40 years and he and his wife decided to move to Florida, his fellow teachers decided to send his wife some flowers as a going away gift. When he returned home after his retirement get together there was a beautiful bouquet of roses with a note that said "REST IN PEACE"...Mr Smith was a little concerned so he called the florist who checked and discovered they had indeed put the wrong card with the wrong arrangement...and mentioned to Mr Smith somewhere in Cleveland someone was opening a card at a funeral that said "WISHING YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION"

Aye that's a good one West Side Girl. I hope you like this one I found:

THE FISHERMAN'S SONS

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the boys behaviours will reveal their names."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction.

"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," said the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys's names were TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea, as I did when I was your age."

They provisioned their fishing boat, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage. The three months passed quickly, yet they had not returned. Another three months passed. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband.

"My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The tired, ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our boat and was swallowed whole, and we never saw him or that great fish again."

The fisherman's wife cried, "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

Her husband replied, "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."

It is teacher retirement time and this is one told by one of our retiring teachers,

Mr. Smith retired after teaching 40 years and he and his wife decided to move to Florida, his fellow teachers decided to send his wife some flowers as a going away gift. When he returned home after his retirement get together there was a beautiful bouquet of roses with a note that said "REST IN PEACE"...Mr Smith was a little concerned so he called the florist who checked and discovered they had indeed put the wrong card with the wrong arrangement...and mentioned to Mr Smith somewhere in Cleveland someone was opening a card at a funeral that said "WISHING YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION"

quote:

Originally listed by paperback rider:
The teenager asks his grandpa nervously, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?" Grandpa replies "Forget those pills! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?"

Oh my, that joke indeed is a trip! Here is an anecdote I hope you like:

HAM SANDWICH

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard!

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

The teenager asks his grandpa nervously, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?" Grandpa replies "Forget those pills! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?"

Aye Paperpack Rider, thanks for the chuckle. I hope you enjoy this short ditty:

What do you call the ghost who scares talk show hosts? "The Phantom of the Oprah."

Directions

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

“Don’t know,” the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rear view mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

“This is my husband,” the old woman said. “He doesn’t know how to get to Des Moines either.”

quote:

Originally listed by boomboom:
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
turned to him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...............I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

Oh my! That's indeed a clever joke and funny. Here is one I found that I hope you like:

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but nobody answered the pastor's repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck his card in the door.

The following Sunday while processing the offering, the pastor found that his card had been returned in a basket. And additionally written on the card was this message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, the pastor broke out in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads: "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
turned to him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...............I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

I hope I haven't posted this one before

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no..

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Wow that last one must have really been a real knee slapper at last weeks nerd convention. A catholic priest runs the red light at Madison and Lincoln and collides with a young man coming home from work. The cars are totaled and both the priest and the young man are fine yet quite shaken up from the crash. The priest pulls out a bottle of whiskey and says " Here my Son take a couple of swigs of this. It will help calm you down" After putting a nice dent in the bottle The young Man hands the bottle back the priest and says" Wont you join me in a drink Father?" No Thanks Kid, I"ll wait till after the cops get here"

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for 24 hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends.

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Aye, I can't pronounce it but that's a good one WSG. Here is one that I hope you like:

A man whent to a psychiatrist and said, “You have to help me, I keep thinking I'm a dog!”

The psychiatrist calmly and professionally replied, “Alright, why don't you come here and lay down on the couch. Then you can tell me all about it.”

“No, I can't. I'm not allowed on furniture.”

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

quote:

Originally listed by beauregard:

quote:

Originally posted by Mr Suge:
Anybody have more Henny Youngman to share ???

Aye, now you're talking. I wish I did. I have this light bulb joke. I hope you like it:

Question: How many Do-It-Yourselfers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.

Mr Suge, I have another Henny Youngman for you. I hope you enjoy it:

A bum asked me, “Give me $10 till payday?” I asked, “When is payday?” He said, “I don’t know, you’re the one who’s working!”

quote:

Originally listed by boomboom:
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said "nothing would make me happier than Diamond earrings".

So I got her nothing.

Oh my, that's a risky one! Here's another short one, I hope you like it:

"When a police officer arrests a mime, does the mime still need to be told he has a right to remain silent?"

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said "nothing would make me happier than Diamond earrings".

So I got her nothing.

quote:

Originally listed by Fuji:
I saw a funny bumper sticker. "Four out of three people have trouble with fractions."

Aye, that's a clever one, that is. Here is a joke, one I hope you will enjoy:

The Hamster

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, then we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

I saw a funny bumper sticker. "Four out of three people have trouble with fractions."

quote:

Originally listed by Libby:
What's the only cure for swine flu? Oinkment!

Aye Libby, that's a real fun one that I can tell me grandkids, thanks to ya. I know there are some other Buzzers here who like Henny Youngman so I hope ya like his classic one liner even though you might have heard it before: "I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."