hehehe

Now Aye There West Side Girly! Thats enough jokes to last us all a month, LOL. Thanks for coverin me butt. I think a missed a couple days there. Here is a little risque one that I hope everyone likes. My wife told it to me so I guess it is okay to repeat it here for you lovely ladies. Please don't blush:

A woman went to a doctor and said, "Doctor, I have a problem." "What is it" he asked. She said, "Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm." The doctor asked "Oh really, what have you been doing for it?" She replied "Snorting pepper!!!"

LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of Salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole.

The Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms?'

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One
Child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent
Bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.' 'Now, Joey, is that really what Your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'Your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head
For a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.' 'So, how come He doesn't?' she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back
Pews.Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.'Yes, sir.' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

EQUAL REPRESENTATION
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every pet, current and past. For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly Prayer, Kelli would say, 'All girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's at our house.' Johnny explained.. 'But this is Grandma's House and she knows how to cook!'

quote:

Originally listed by zakdog:
Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "we don't serve your type here"

Aye, I really like that one. Pretty clever there Zakdog. I don't think this one is quite as clever as yours but I hope you get a laugh from it:

Family Vacation at the Seashore

A wealthy doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and he fainted.

"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "we don't serve your type here"

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
Ok here is one from one of my grade schoolers
Ms WSG do you know why you should never date a trashman?....He'll dump you!

Aye, still funny on your second telling. Here is another Henny Youngman joke I hope you like:

A guy says to a doctor, "I'm having trouble with my love life at home." His doctor says, "Take off 20 pounds and run 10 miles a day for two weeks."

Two weeks later the guy calls the doctor, "Doctor, I took off the 20 pounds and I have been running the 10 miles a day."

"Okay, so how is your love life now?" the doctor asked. "I don't know, I'm 140 miles from home!"

quote:

Originally listed by west side girl:
Ok here is one from one of my grade schoolers
Ms WSG do you know why you should never date a trashman?....He'll dump you!

Okay, it's still funny the second time around.

Ok here is one from one of my grade schoolers
Ms WSG do you know why you should never date a trashman?....He'll dump you!

I heard this delight from a neighbor's child this weekend. I hope you enjoy it:

Question: What vegetable should you not take on a boat? Answers: Leeks.

quote:

Anybody have more Henny Youngman to share ???

Hope you like this one from Henny:

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

The train was pulling out of the station. Running while shouldering a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air.

Seeing him, an older man said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away."

The young man took a deep breath and said, "Hey, Pop, I missed this train ten miles back at the last station."

I hope everybody likes this joke:

Sotheby’s Auction

The bidding was proceeding furiously for a coveted, rare work of high art when the Chief Auctioneer suddenly announced: “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars. He has requested that I inform you that he will pay a reward of two thousand dollars. Then followed a few moments of dead silence in the Sotheby's auction house. Then from the back of the room came a shout: “Two thousand five hundred.”

Aye those were both funny ones. First with apologies to all of my generous lawyer friends, I offer this one that I hope everyone will enjoy:

A local charity realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to try to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way to help others?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the non-profit's rep mumbled, "Um ... no, I'm sorry and..."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children???"

The humiliated, well-meaning caller, completely beaten, said simply, "I truly had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in West Ohio had owned a large farm for several years with a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw

it was a bunch of young womenSkinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said

'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He
swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the
rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the
man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road....Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,
....He hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves.....hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you
spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)
it is)

It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

quote:

Originally posted by Mr Suge:
Anybody have more Henny Youngman to share ???

Aye, now you're talking. I wish I did. I have this light bulb joke. I hope you like it:

Question: How many Do-It-Yourselfers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men....are men

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops by a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"


The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends.

Anybody have more Henny Youngman to share ???

not really a joke but worth a chuckle

for anyone who listens to Prairie Home Companion...
they have a company who sells products that support NPR and PHC, and the Professional Organization of English Majors

Today I got this e-mail blast from them...

From: "Pretty Good Goods Catalog" <phc_catalog@mpr.org> Thursday - April 9, 2009 6:46 PM
To: WSG
Subject: Nothing you do for children is ever waisted

beauregard you are right I should of looked before I posted it yours was a good one how about this one....

AMISH ELEVATOR
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,

'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,

a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them
into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number,and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ....

'Go get your mother.'

Aye Selaw, that's familiar but still a good one worth repeating. I hope you like this joke:

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in his small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his law office, but business was very slow.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his new office. He decided to make a big impression on his first client. As the man came in the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell them I can clear an hour on my calendar this Friday to consider that after my Washington meeting..."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady.
"I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop..

"How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the foot ball stadium parking lot.

On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'..

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

After losing another tooth, young Timmy became more curious about the mysterious tooth fairy.

Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”

Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes Timmy, I am.”

Timmy seemed to take this news quite well. But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute Mom. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?”

quote:

Originally posted by Buzzardo:
A guy takes his wife golfing. He is on the 4th hole when his drive off the tee lands behind a tree. With no shot he figures he will have to take a penalty stroke to move the ball so he can get a clear shot at the green. Then he sees a large barn that the tractor and other equipment is stored. He figures if he opens the door to the barn, he could knock his shot right thru the door and onto the green. So he takes out a 3 wood and crushes it right thru the barn. Unfortunately the ball hits a wooden beam and richochets back and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly. 2 weeks later the distraught husband is back at the golf course with his buddy. On the 4th hole his drive again lands behind the same tree. His buddy suggests he open up the barn door and blast his shot thru. "NO NO NO NO" says the guy. "I tried that shot a couple of weeks ago and ended up with a double bogey"

Oh now you got me on that one, I was guessing all the way! Thanks for the laugh. A friend sent me this one, it isn't really a joke but it seems fitting for the snow outside today. I hope you enjoy it:

"I Think Santa Claus is a Woman"
By Anonymous

I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on December 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...

* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

A guy takes his wife golfing. He is on the 4th hole when his drive off the tee lands behind a tree. With no shot he figures he will have to take a penalty stroke to move the ball so he can get a clear shot at the green. Then he sees a large barn that the tractor and other equipment is stored. He figures if he opens the door to the barn, he could knock his shot right thru the door and onto the green. So he takes out a 3 wood and crushes it right thru the barn. Unfortunately the ball hits a wooden beam and richochets back and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly. 2 weeks later the distraught husband is back at the golf course with his buddy. On the 4th hole his drive again lands behind the same tree. His buddy suggests he open up the barn door and blast his shot thru. "NO NO NO NO" says the guy. "I tried that shot a couple of weeks ago and ended up with a double bogey"

I enjoyed those jokes. Thank you. I hope you like this one I found:

WALKING ON WATER

Joe heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian walked to Lake Erie. "If they did it, I can too!" Joe insisted. When they arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side of the boat... and he almost drowned!

Furious but mostly ashamed, Joe headed for home. When he arrived, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

The wise old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January, not in July like you, dear."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep,
3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'


He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

quote:

Originally posted by 2009-O:
Ever see the signs that hang in stores? Some are funny. Some are wise.

*The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep

*Advice is free but the right answer will cost plenty

*Don't insult the alligator until after you cross the river

*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long

One of my favorites is "We do precision guesswork"

Aye, I like that last one too. I enjoyed them all, thank you. Here is a joke my plumber brother told me and I hope you enjoy:

A plumber repaired a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a 5-minute job, the plumber told the doctor the bill was $250.

Shocked, the neurosurgeon replied "I don't charge that amount even though I'm a surgeon!"

To which the plumber replied "You're right. I didn't either when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"

Ever see the signs that hang in stores? Some are funny. Some are wise.

*The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep

*Advice is free but the right answer will cost plenty

*Don't insult the alligator until after you cross the river

*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long

One of my favorites is "We do precision guesswork"

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters (or computers). These sentences appeared in church bulletins, or were announced in church services.


----------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
--------- ------------------ -----------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
----------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
----------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
----------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
----------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
----------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------ ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------- ------ ---------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
---------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
---------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
---------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

The Best Smart A** Answers of 2008 !!

SMART A** ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART A** ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. !

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART A** ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMAR T A** ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART A** ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART A** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-a** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's **** near perfect.

And Selaw my friend in Kentucky sent your joke on to everyone she knows, what a laugh!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they
talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no..

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly

back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver'

but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'

From one of my friends who has moved to Kentucky

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would
fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison
steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were
Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were
forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The
delicious aroma from the grilled venison
steaks was causing such a problem for the
Catholic faithful that they finally talked
to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a
rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish!

John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you’re married, you can imagine what he’s probably going through. His wife was really perturbed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” She was serious too, so John got serious.

The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation. Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.

GO CAVS!!! GO BUCKS!!!! GO TRIBE!!!

Another teacher joke

A little jewish boy named Aaron was failing math, his parents tried everything, tutors, computer math drills, threats, bribery, they worked with his teachers, finally they transferred him to a St. Katherine's Catholic School, the first day he came home, and ran up to his room, he spent the whole evening cracking the books, the next day the same thing, and as time went on his math grade rose, and he was getting straight A's in math. His parents couldn't figure out what had made the difference so they asked Aaron "What has made the difference in your math grade?" Aaron's response "when I got to Saint Katherine's and I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business."

So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says -
"Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place."

The man goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found.

Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says...
"Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!"

quote:

Originally posted by west side girl:
A teacher joke:
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Oh my. If that were a true story, how embarrassing for that dad. It's a funny joke. I hope you enjoy this one about a college graduate in his first job interview:

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resource director asked the young overly-confident engineer fresh out of M.I.T. University, "What starting salary were you hoping for?" The engineer stated, "In the neighborhood of $175,000 a year. It will depend upon the benefits package you can offer to hire me," he said with a straight face.

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 6 weeks of vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental plans, a company funded retirement that pays you 50% of your salary, and a new company car leased every 2 years for you -- let's say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sat up straight and said, "WOW! Are you kidding me?" To which the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A teacher joke:
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

To West Side Girl, Buzzardo & Flipper. Thank you. Those were all fun jokes to read, I am still laughing. I hope you enjoy the surprise ending of this joke:

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is only 40 feet, and his airplane instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are getting very nervous. It is extremely quiet in the plane and nobody wants to ask or say anything that is upsetting.

At last, through a small opening in the fog the pilot sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling the building, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?" The office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops on the airstrip, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless. Therefore, I knew that had to be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

Blonde Gambler

A very attractive blonde woman from Texas arrived at a casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a
stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other
answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral - Not all Texans are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but
all men are men.

3 married couples all die in horrible car accidents within seconds of each other. When they get to the gates of heaven, St Peter announces that they have only room for 2 of the couples. "I will send you all back to Earth for 30 days. The 2 couples that have the least amount of Sex in the 30 days will be admitted to Heaven" So 30 days later they are back. St. Peter asks the couples how they did. The first couple a pair in their late 70s say " We had NO SEX in our 30 days" "Very Good" said St. Peter "You may come in". So St Peter says to the next couple a pair that were in their 50s, " How did you 2 do" " We had sex 1 time in our 30 days" said the husband. "Not Bad Stand off to the side while I see how our last couple did" The last couple was a young couple in their 20s. " Well" said the husband, "The first day was real tough. On the 2nd day I couldn;t take it any longer. My wife bent down to get some frozen peas and I had to have her right then and there" St. Peter looked at the young couple and said' You are not allowed in Heaven" " Great" said the wife "Were not allowed in Giant Eagle anymore either"

Seamus & the Irish Genie

Seamus was walkin' along the coast of Galway early one mornin' with a bit of a sore head when he tripped over something in the sand. Reaching down, he picked up an ancient lamp and starting rubbing it. There was a huge crack of thunder, an awesome billow of smoke, and lo and behold, a Genie appeared. An Irish Genie at that.

"Mornin' boyo," said the Genie. "For releasing me from 2,000 years of bondage, I'll be grantin' ya three wishes."

"Isn't this grand," said Seamus. "I wish to have a pint of Guinness!"

"Sure of course ye can," said the Genie. And poof, a pint appeared in Seamus' hand. Seamus starting sipping away at the pint. "For the love o' Jaysus, this has to be the best pint I've ever tasted!"

"Of course it is," said the Genie. "I'm an Irish Genie, after all, and I do know a bit about pints. Now, let's get on with our business. You've got two more wishes left, and I haven't got all day!"

"Now just be bidin' yer time," said Seamus. "I want to enjoy me pint."

"Ah," said the Genie. "That's a magic pint."

"And what do ye be meanin' by that?" asked Seamus.

"Well," said the Genie, "As soon as it's done, it'll fill right back up again, just as good as the first pint."

"Is that so," thought Seamus, finishing off the pint. Sure enough, back up his pint filled, and when he tasted it, it really was every bit as good.

"Now," said the Genie, "about those other two wishes?"

"Ah," said Seamus, "I'll have two more o' these!"

I hope you like this one:

Judge to the Accused Defendant: "Do you have anything to offer this Court before I render my judgment?" Defendant: "No, your Honor. My lawyer took it all."

quote:

Originally posted by beauregard:

"Yes, and by the way it's not a Porch it's a Ferrari."

That's funny!

Deek, that is a funny one. I never saw that punchline coming. With my apologies to all blondes -- all of them are smarter than I -- here is a joke I hope you will like:

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.

He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the blonde if she paints?

The blonde says, "Sure anything."

"Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?" the man asks.

"I don't know, say $50 bucks," she replies.

"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside. His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.

The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."

"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"

10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blonde stands there and says, "All done!"

With a surprised look on his face he says, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch?"

"Yes, and by the way it's not a Porch it's a Ferrari."

COWBOY WHISPERER

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

I wish I could take credit for this, last week I saw a political cartoon in which Obama was announcing stimulus funds were to be available for shovel ready projects - and off to the side was a taxpayer with a shovel about to whack an AIG exec

Hey mates, I don't mean to hog up this thread. If you have some jokes do add them won't you? I like them clean and clever -- I think these kind of jokes are harder to find -- but I like to share them with my lovely wife.

Here is a joke I found enjoyable and I hope you do also:

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next, the drunkard approaches the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he too will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the guillotine's blade, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next up is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!! I think the problem is right there where that cable is binding."