Seamus & the Irish Genie

Seamus was walkin' along the coast of Galway early one mornin' with a bit of a sore head when he tripped over something in the sand. Reaching down, he picked up an ancient lamp and starting rubbing it. There was a huge crack of thunder, an awesome billow of smoke, and lo and behold, a Genie appeared. An Irish Genie at that.

"Mornin' boyo," said the Genie. "For releasing me from 2,000 years of bondage, I'll be grantin' ya three wishes."

"Isn't this grand," said Seamus. "I wish to have a pint of Guinness!"

"Sure of course ye can," said the Genie. And poof, a pint appeared in Seamus' hand. Seamus starting sipping away at the pint. "For the love o' Jaysus, this has to be the best pint I've ever tasted!"

"Of course it is," said the Genie. "I'm an Irish Genie, after all, and I do know a bit about pints. Now, let's get on with our business. You've got two more wishes left, and I haven't got all day!"

"Now just be bidin' yer time," said Seamus. "I want to enjoy me pint."

"Ah," said the Genie. "That's a magic pint."

"And what do ye be meanin' by that?" asked Seamus.

"Well," said the Genie, "As soon as it's done, it'll fill right back up again, just as good as the first pint."

"Is that so," thought Seamus, finishing off the pint. Sure enough, back up his pint filled, and when he tasted it, it really was every bit as good.

"Now," said the Genie, "about those other two wishes?"

"Ah," said Seamus, "I'll have two more o' these!"

I hope you like this one:

Judge to the Accused Defendant: "Do you have anything to offer this Court before I render my judgment?" Defendant: "No, your Honor. My lawyer took it all."

quote:

Originally posted by beauregard:

"Yes, and by the way it's not a Porch it's a Ferrari."

That's funny!

Deek, that is a funny one. I never saw that punchline coming. With my apologies to all blondes -- all of them are smarter than I -- here is a joke I hope you will like:

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.

He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the blonde if she paints?

The blonde says, "Sure anything."

"Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?" the man asks.

"I don't know, say $50 bucks," she replies.

"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside. His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.

The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."

"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"

10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blonde stands there and says, "All done!"

With a surprised look on his face he says, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch?"

"Yes, and by the way it's not a Porch it's a Ferrari."

COWBOY WHISPERER

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

I wish I could take credit for this, last week I saw a political cartoon in which Obama was announcing stimulus funds were to be available for shovel ready projects - and off to the side was a taxpayer with a shovel about to whack an AIG exec

Hey mates, I don't mean to hog up this thread. If you have some jokes do add them won't you? I like them clean and clever -- I think these kind of jokes are harder to find -- but I like to share them with my lovely wife.

Here is a joke I found enjoyable and I hope you do also:

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next, the drunkard approaches the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he too will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the guillotine's blade, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next up is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!! I think the problem is right there where that cable is binding."

quote:

Originally posted by MichaelW:
Okay Beauregard, that was the lawyer's convention. But there was also the Convention for Comedians:

Tom's brother is a professional comedian. The brother invites Tom to go along to the kickoff dinner at the convention for professional comedians. After the dinner is about over, a fellow at another table stands up to speak. As the room gets quiet, the fellow yells out the number "276." The entire crowd breaks up laughing hysterically. A minute later, a guy at another table stands up and yells out "822!" The crowd again laughs and giggles. Still another guy stands up and screams "178!" The crowd is laughing again.

Tom turns to his brother and asks what the heck is going on? The brother explains that because the group consists of professional comedians, they don't have to recite an entire joke. They just yell out the number of the joke and everybody gets it.

Tom is intrigued. He decides to try it. He stands up and yells "624!" Tom is greeted by dead silence in the room and he sits down sheepishly. Tom turns to his brother and says what happened? His brother responds "you just don't know how to tell a joke."

Heh Hey that's a good one, Michael. Thanks for the laugh, here is Joke #327 :

After her overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, a mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with her eight children in tow - all under the age of 11. Collecting their many suitcases, the family, sans Dad, entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched this Mom and entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said "Do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," she said said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now!"

[QUOTE]Originally posted by beauregard:

Here's a little joke about a lawyers convention that I hope you enjoy:

A photographer was hired to take the pictures at a prestigious lawyers convention. When it came time for the official large group photo, it took a very long time to line up the hundreds of lawyers in their places. Then it came time to actually take the photo. As he snapped their picture, he got them all to look their best by shouting, "Okay now everyone say "Fees!"
_________________________________________

Okay Beauregard, that was the lawyer's convention. But there was also the Convention for Comedians:

Tom's brother is a professional comedian. The brother invites Tom to go along to the kickoff dinner at the convention for professional comedians. After the dinner is about over, a fellow at another table stands up to speak. As the room gets quiet, the fellow yells out the number "276." The entire crowd breaks up laughing hysterically. A minute later, a guy at another table stands up and yells out "822!" The crowd again laughs and giggles. Still another guy stands up and screams "178!" The crowd is laughing again.

Tom turns to his brother and asks what the heck is going on? The brother explains that because the group consists of professional comedians, they don't have to recite an entire joke. They just yell out the number of the joke and everybody gets it.

Tom is intrigued. He decides to try it. He stands up and yells "624!" Tom is greeted by dead silence in the room and he sits down sheepishly. Tom turns to his brother and says what happened? His brother responds "you just don't know how to tell a joke."

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

quote:

Originally posted by deek:
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me. "

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, $20 or off it comes.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays".

Oh my goodness. Deek that makes me laugh and squirm at the same time. LOL.

Here's a little joke about a lawyers convention that I hope you enjoy:

A photographer was hired to take the pictures at a prestigious lawyers convention. When it came time for the official large group photo, it took a very long time to line up the hundreds of lawyers in their places. Then it came time to actually take the photo. As he snapped their picture, he got them all to look their best by shouting, "Okay now everyone say "Fees!"

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me. "

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, $20 or off it comes.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays".

quote:

Originally posted by west side girl:

quote:

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

this has to be my favorite, I'm going to write it on the next test I have to take...

I am glad you liked it. A friend who works in Information Technology sent me this one. He thought it was funny, I hope you like it:

This IT Technician handles support for a big manufacturing plant, and part of that responsibility is taking support calls 24/7.

"The very first time I took a middle-of-the-night support call I was a little groggy, being awakened by the phone at 3:30 in the morning," Tech says.

"But I quickly woke up and asked questions of the night operator, then talked him through restarting processes and verifying things were working again, right down to telling him which button to click on, what to type and what passwords to put in.

"Typical IT support stuff, and the phone call lasted just over 20 minutes.

"When I turned the light back off and pulled the covers back over me, my loving wife rolled over toward me and said, 'You can remember all that and you can't remember to take the garbage out on Tuesdays?'"

quote:

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

this has to be my favorite, I'm going to write it on the next test I have to take...

Hello Loyal. Since I told a blonde woman joke I will try to make it up to you with this joke. I hope you like it better:

Three guys had to cross a lake. The first one prayed to God for the strength. He swam across the lake, but almost died 5 times.

The second guy prayed to God for the strength and the tools. He made a boat, and rowed himself across the lake, but he almost died 3 times.

The third guy prayed to God for the strength, the tools, and the brains. He turned into a blonde-haired woman, walked 4 yards and crossed the bridge.

quote:

Originally listed by MichaelW:
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

They say the heat was in tents!

That's a good one. This is one from Steven Wright that I like. I hope you like it also:

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

They say the heat was in tents!

How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.

quote:

Originally listed by MichaelW:
A grey haired grandmother is sitting on the beach in Florida watching her two year old grandson playing at the water's edge. All of a sudden she hears a clap of thunder and a giant wave rolls into shore, picks up her grandson and sweeps him out to sea.

The grandmother is stunned. She looks to the heavens and asks "What kind of god are you? What kind of god would take a woman's only grandchild?"

All of a sudden she hears another clap of thunder. She watches as another huge wave rolls into shore and plops her grandson back on the beach exactly where he had been before. She stairs at the child in disbelief and then looks to the heavens again and says "He had a hat!"

Michael, I liked that, I think I was married to her.

I hope you like this one, it's another one from Henny Youngman:


A priest is sent to Alaska. His Bishop goes up to visit a year later. The Bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?"

The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary and two martinis a day, I'd be lost. Would you like a Martini, Bishop?"

"Yes, I would," says the Bishop. The priest says "Rosary, bring the Bishop a Martini."

A grey haired grandmother is sitting on the beach in Florida watching her two year old grandson playing at the water's edge. All of a sudden she hears a clap of thunder and a giant wave rolls into shore, picks up her grandson and sweeps him out to sea.

The grandmother is stunned. She looks to the heavens and asks "What kind of god are you? What kind of god would take a woman's only grandchild?"

All of a sudden she hears another clap of thunder. She watches as another huge wave rolls into shore and plops her grandson back on the beach exactly where he had been before. She stairs at the child in disbelief and then looks to the heavens again and says "He had a hat!"

Hi boomboom! We invite you to repost in "Lakewood's Community Forum" since your post in this thread qualifies better for political debate or discussion, plus we couldn't find a punchline.

Shortly it will be deleted from this thread which is for jokes only. Thnx for your understanding!

When I was a young boy I thought Henny Youngman was hilarious on TV. I still like his humor and so I hope you like this one:

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

An old man steps into a confessional and starts talking to the priest. He says "I am 79 years old and have been married to the same wonderful woman for more than 50 years.

"Last weekend I went to a hardware convention in Chicago. I met these two beautiful, blonde, 29 year old twin sisters. They really took to me. We drank wine until we were silly and then retired to my hotel room. We spent five hours in bed making wild and passionate love."

"That's terrible" says the Priest. "You must say fifty Hail Marys." The old man says "Hail Marys? But I'm Jewish?" The Priest asks "Then why are you telling me this?"

The old man says "I'm telling everybody!!!"

Here's one I found that might surprise everybody:

A traveling salesman is stranded in the dark cold after his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He starts walking, hoping to find something in the middle of the countryside -- and he finally comes upon a farm. Not believing his good fortune, he knocks on the farmhouse door and a farmer answers.

"Good evening, Sir," says the salesman. "Could you please help me? My car is broken down a few miles down the road, and I would sure appreciate a warm place to stay for just the night."

"Of course," says the farmer. "But I only have one bed and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there." "Oh, darn," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong joke."

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.

After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and asks him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

A boy cuts through a cemetery near his house and walks past a man kneeling next to a grave. The man is sobbing and keeps yelling "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The boy feels very sad and asks "Is that your dearly departed wife?"

"No," the man answered, "It is my wife's first husband!"

Being Irish Catholic I figured it's ok to pass this one along...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old
Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff......Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club........................
(takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'S niff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

quote:

Originally listed by Blue Rain:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb.....

Hello Blue Rain, I enjoyed that one. I hope everyone enjoys this one: What do you get when you play country music backwards? You get back your wife, your dog, your truck, your job.....

A Polish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

You rotten *******, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

A woman has a magic mirror on her bathroom door. She says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my chest a forty-four." Voila! She runs into the living room and shows her husband. He jumps off the couch and yells, " I want to try it, too!" He runs into the bathroom and shouts, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!. His legs fall off.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb.....

Here is one I hope you like:

A door-to-door salesman walks onto the large porch of the grandest home on the street and rings the ornate doorbell. 7-year old Johnny who answers the door is holding a beer in his hand and smoking a big fat cigar. The salesman inquires politely, "Little boy is your mother or father home?" Johnny taps his cigar ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"

So this guy joins an order of monks. The chief tenant of their order is they can only say two words every 3 years. After 3 years of toiling in the soil, praying, studying, his chance comes to speak his two words to the elder. He says; "Bed Hard." He is dismissed for 3 more years of hard work, penance, isolations. 3 years later he is called for his interview and says; "Food Cold." Again, three more years later he finally says; "I quit." To which the elder replies, "I am not surprised, you have been complaining ever since you got here."

Oh ha, ha, ha. Blonde jokes. Well, take this:

A lawyer boards a plane in New Orleans and carries on a sack of crabs. He hands them to the blonde flight attendant and admonishes her to put them on ice and take good care of them because he's a lawyer and will sue, yada, yada.

When the plane lands in New York, the flight attendant gets on the intercom and announces: "Will the man who gave me crabs in New Orleans please raise his hand?" Needless to say, no one moved. The blonde took the crabs home and had a great dinner.

quote:

Originally listed by beauregard:

quote:

Originally posted by kim2therescue:
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”

That's a clever one. I think more clever than the one I heard today:

The Snail bought a new car and was painting a big letter "S" on it. His friend the Turtle saw him painting the car and in disbelief asked "Why are you doing that to your brand new car?" The Snail replied, "So that when people see me drive by they will say "Look at that S-car-go!""

I don't know.... the one you posted had me laughing out loud. Thanks!!

I'm cooking IRISH CHILI tonight....

It has exactly 239 beans in it....

Because if I added one more bean:

It would be "too farty" (add irish accent if slow)

I have another:

A Jewish rabbi, a Catholic priest and a Protestant priest are discussing how they split money between themselves and the church.

The Catholic priest says "I draw a line and throw the money in the air, whatever lands on the left is His."

The Protestant priest says "I draw a circle and throw the money in the air, whatever lands inside the circle is His."

The Jewish rabbi says "I throw the money in the air and ask God to take what He wants."

Jesus, Whiteline, Banshee1 and Steve Fitzgerald walk into a bar....

Jesus says to all the Men... before this healing celebration... let me prepare you all for this moment.

After washing Steve's feet he then washes Whiteline's mouth out with soap.... and raises his glass....

Banshee1 blurts out HEY what are your plans for me?...

Jesus then says with the most gentle voice... Banshee1... I was going to cleanse your mind, but with only 3 "thoughts" I worried about killing the only Republican in Lakewood.

B1 (just kidding).

quote:

Originally posted by kim2therescue:
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”

I always liked that one. I assume it's an old joke? I knew it from a variation on the Benny Hill show, where a guy is sitting alone at a bar, singing "twenty-one today, twenty-one today," and when someone buys him a drink he changes his song to "twenty-two today."

quote:

Originally posted by kim2therescue:
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”

That's a clever one. I think more clever than the one I heard today:

The Snail bought a new car and was painting a big letter "S" on it. His friend the Turtle saw him painting the car and in disbelief asked "Why are you doing that to your brand new car?" The Snail replied, "So that when people see me drive by they will say "Look at that S-car-go!""

A group of celebrating blonde women walks into a bar and takes up a spot in the corner. Once they settle in, one of the blondes walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, we'd like a bottle of your best champagne and six glasses." The bartender replies, "Right away, Miss," and gives the beautiful woman her order. The blondes continue laughing and celebrating and begin chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" About 20 minutes later, another of the young ladies comes to the bar and orders another bottle of champagne. The bartender is very curious about what the blondes are celebrating, but says nothing as he gives the woman her order. The celebration continues with more chants of "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" When the next blonde comes to the bar, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he asks, "I can't help noticing; do you mind if I ask what the big celebration is?" The blonde invites him to the table, and when they get there, the bartender sees a Disney Princesses puzzle put together on the table. She explains, "We blondes are sick and tired of always hearing about how dumb we are - about how we confuse microwaves for TVs! Well if you look at the box this puzzle came in it says right on it - 3 to 5 years and we did it in 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, being tormented by the devil's evil minions, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says....... "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”

quote:

Originally posted by MichaelW:
A duck walks into the drugstore, grabs a tube of chapstick and sets it on the counter in front of the cashier. The cashier asks "will that be cash?"
The duck says "no, put it on my bill."

ROFLMAO. Thank you Michael, I needed that!

A duck walks into the drugstore, grabs a tube of chapstick and sets it on the counter in front of the cashier. The cashier asks "will that be cash?"
The duck says "no, put it on my bill."

A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender looked at it and said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

A very elderly couple walked into the office of an attorney. The attorney politely asked them what he could do for them. The husband piped up and said "we want to get a divorce!" Looking puzzled, the lawyer asked them how long they had been married? "Seventy three years," the husband mumbled.

"Folks," the lawyer said, "why would you stay together all of these years, only to get a divorce in your nineties?" In a matter of fact tone, the wife explained "we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

quote:

Originally posted by west side girl:
And do you know why you should never date a trash man? He'll dump you.

That's a funny little one. Speaking of vocations I have one for you, a bit longer than yours:

There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived in Heaven at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to Hell. The worker agreed - it was not as if he could do anything else - and so he was on his way to Hell.

When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you into the fiery pits.” Then the man replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.” So he fixed the wall.

Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?” So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements. In fact, by the time he was done, Hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, patios, you name it.

Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.” Satan replied, “No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him.” God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages. Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”